I’m so cool, ice cubes get jealous.
The only reason I’m fat is because a tiny body cannot store all this personality.
They keep saying the right person will come along. I think mine was hit by a truck…
Yesterday I did nothing and today I’m finishing what I did yesterday.
WHY whenever I sit down to work, someone wakes me up?
The first 40 years of your childhood are always the hardest.
It’s never too late to go wrong.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire.
Laughter is like a windshield wiper, it doesn’t stop the rain but allows us to keep going.
If you love a woman, you shouldn’t be ashamed to show her to your wife.